Piece of my confession:

I still think of it everyday. The thoughts of every memory. How I wish that I'm still standing in my past. When you seem to pretend like you've already moved on and how you smile, or even laugh at every joke but you still think of one thing. Sometimes, I do wish that I'm not standing in my present and I'm just too scared of my future. How love changed us. How it did change me. How I've got hurt and how hurting made me the person that I am. I think of it as a blessing and as a curse in everyday life. This my piece of confession.

Everybody do know me as a woman with great pride, a big ball of love, selfless with all my heart and a good friend to others. How everybody could thought that life for me is so perfect but unfortunately it's not. I do fail in one thing and that is finding the perfect love.  This is my piece of confession about love, thoughts and that same guy I've been thinking about that became a big part of my past. I do treasure a lot of things in life and this one for me is worth the love.

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A breezy Wednesday morning, I've been chatting with my friend Khaye. Laughing online and sharing stories. What Khaye and I have been through in life together as friends is so close and we treat each other as sisters. A lot of my friends do look up to me. As a friend, a sister, a born to be guidance and a mother-like image because of all these characteristics I treat them all so well.  I did not enroll for this semester due to severe lack of personal discipline to partying and having fun. And this I confess that I do live in everyday partying and having fun when I was in my past days. Because of the fact that I am not enrolled for this semester. They invited me to visit at Lyceum. Yes, Lyceum! I may be over acting at this point of my story but it was my stress reliever, piece of comfort ground and sanctuary. Studying and being in my college partying days being there changed my life for the better and for the worse things in my life. It past me through days of adventures and point of different perspectives. That, I never thought that could give me those of everyday delightful treat of excitement and it made me revealed the quote: " expect the unexpected".

So heading to Lyceum I rode the FX from Casimiro to Lawton. At the road, the FX river is tuning in at a radio FM station. The DJ has a phone caller and the topic was about the callers lovelife and how the DJ could help her in her problem. The phone caller asked: "DJ, how could you help me move on? Any advice? Cause even if the thoughts of my ex bf was gone and even all communications were not possible I do come back at the same feelings I did have for him. Please help me...". Then, I paused and think about what the caller wanted. It was all about moving on and I seem to connect with her. I'm think and thinking and thinking. How? Why? and what if? these were the words taht came through my mind in connection of the caller. Then, the DJ answered the caller with a quote, that I would simply never forget. He said: " There is no such thing as moving on, only easing ones pain". I did agree at the first thing that I've heard it. And said to myself: "Maybe that's why. And what if I've thought of that from the start. and how can I achieve this?"

Then, I arrived at my destination the next thing the DJ finished his morning slot and gave the caller the advice she needed. Still, I'm thinking of what the DJ said. Then, sudden flash backs came through my mind as if seeing and experiencing everything all over again. I paused and said to myself: "Stop! please stop hurting yourself...". We can't stop the hurting but we can change it to something better. It made me face fear and how I can't think of anything.

I still think of him even after 6 boyfriends that I can't seem to find a stable relationship and the taste of excitement I used to feel and have when I'm with him. A year and months counting, I just kept asking myself "Why?". Maybe that's how love works. You fell in love with a person because that person makes you feel complete without any doubt. Just pure happiness, care and security.How every waking moment makes you laugh and in every dream when you are asleep it makes you smile. Now every moment of waking up in the morning. I couldn't feel that happiness anymore. Taking deep breaths and saying: "Here we go again".

We do choose to move on but we do fear of it. We fear of  taking the risk of loving, we just chose to embrace those memories of our past. That even though how hard the hurting is, we seem to cherish it because of the happiness we've experienced within that memory. That's how I've viewed moving on and others may connect with me too.

I remembered my last day at LPU, a friend once told me "3 months is to 3 years?". Yes, our relationship had lasted less than 3 months but I had fun. I felt complete and I do thank him for that. I was bitter and it felt like loosing my mind. How after what happened changed me a lot. That everyday made me felt so numb of the pain and that crying was a normal thing for me. But I do believe that pain had made me stronger and what I've lost had uplifted me into who and what I am.

How the thought of him leaving me was so hard but I guess we just have to face the truth. That leaving what you've had will make you stronger, being in a new road makes you better. I just want you to know that I was so glad that you chose the right thing for your future. I want to congratulate you for that. Even if I kept on wishing that we could still live on what we had in the past. I remembered the song he dedicated for me, it was "You've made me stronger". In connection with the title song, it was about moving on and how the guy changed her life. That even without him, she still care for him and she thanked him for every good memory.

I've never understood how love works but the only thing i can understand is that I'm enjoying it, specially with him. I think I did my part even though I know that he don't want me anymore that while doing this blog. I don't know if he would still hate me or keep on hating me for this.

                                "Everyday, living in the past w/ my present was all things 

                                                        I just kept on holding on."                                                                                                                          

Girls' Generation(소녀시대)_RunDevilRun(런데빌런)_MusicVideo(뮤직비디오)

Girls' Generation(소녀시대)_RunDevilRun(런데빌런)_MusicVideo(뮤직비디오)

my own creamy veggie sopas :)

INGREDIENTS:

2 potato - medium size

mixed veggies (optional)

quail eggs

milk - evapotaed about 1/2 cup

butter - 1/4

garlic - 4 cloves

onion - preferred: white onion

nestle cream (optional)

oil - 4 spoons

chicken - strips

macaroni

salt and pepper

how to make it:

1. Boil the chicken (breast) for about 10-20 mins until soft textured. Then cut - himayin - into strips. :)

2. Cut the potato into cube sized then boil until soft textured.

3. Boil quail eggs for about 10-15 minutes until egg hardens* put vinegar into water so that the eggs won't crack easily. Then, remove shell. Set aside.

3. Cut onion and garlic

4. Put oil into pan and put the cut onion and garlics. Then the mixed vegetables, potato and put butter.

5. If medium cooked (vegetables), put the strip chicken.

6. Use chicken broth. Put the macaroni until soft textured. If the macaroni is already well done. Put milk gradually into the broth.

7. then put the stirred chicken strip and vegetables in the broth together w/ the macaroni.

8. Add salt and pepper - according to your prefered taste.

9. Put nestle cream gradually for greater texture and a milkier soup. :)

10. Put the quail eggs into soup. :)

ENJOY! :)

all wasted :)

When you do feel you're all alone

Thinking that I need this, to show I could stand up on my own

looking at her, makes me wonder

does he think of us, or the dreams he could never surrender

I never did expect that he would leave me

I really thought I would become a part of his family tree

He told me he never wanted nor loved me

Denied it was his baby and shoved in my face the words "stop bothering me!"

if only you could see this deep wounds

just to provide our baby with shelter and food

Life would never treat me right and cruel

That everyday, feeling that I'm a big fool

My friends would ask me if I'm alright

i kept saying "Yes even without you, I'm happy with our love child"

Whenever I could see her with those pretty sweet smiles

It just makes me break down and cry

For I know I could never make her feel special

with my study, financial problems and her father still in denial

It hurts me the most, the fact you couldn't accept her

for no good reason and those sweet promises of forever

They would tell me that you would still think of me

Others would sometimes talk behind my back and tell me of what happened to us is just a piece of crap

I'm still waiting for your call

For you to tell me that you won't let me fall

It's been a year that I haven't seen you

Please do talk to me cause I really need you

I told you my life and gave you my everything

Still, I feel nothing

Do you still love me?

Cause I know for that second chance

I know that you wouldn't set me free

selfless -- it's better to give than to receive. :)

have u ever felt that when you want something badly to happen you just want to shout it to the world? how sometimes, when you act it.. it all became so stupid and you feel guilt doing the things you want to do.. or maybe when faith sometimes is on your side, good things just falls into your day.. life is like a tupsy-turvy town.. sometimes your up and sometimes your down..

we are all imperfect, we all make mistakes and we all fall but in our imperfection we try to be good in the best ways we can, in our mistakes we try to correct them in our every step on life's way and when we fall, we pick ourselves up.. in these circumstances, the end is when you do the right thing it's either you've sacrificed something you love or gave up on someone you truly treasure.. 

a friend one's told me that selfishness is ones way so he could get what he wants.. it's peoples way to achieve their dreams, those great opportunities and in the end have a good life. is this true? as i have seen.. and asked myself this, i answered: "maybe". I'm a type of person who's willing to make everything fall in the right track.. i want the people i love to have a good life, sometimes, i made mistakes.. i cry over it and look at the morals that i've learned through those mistakes and experiences.. i'm selfless, like Jesus he gave up his life for us but me, I gave up the things I love for them..

In this blog, I'm not saying that I want you to all thank me, I just want you all to know hoe much I do care and love you guys. Sometimes, you think I may not show it but there are deeper things that I've done for them. Sometimes, people see me as a SPOILER or a girl who thinks that SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, but I'm not. I'm not perfect, I"m not like Jesus.. I just want to follow his path. I always say to myself that "ITS BETTER TO GIVE, THAN TO RECEIVE"... yes, sometimes giving what you've got could be painful but as you look in the brighter side of what you have done, you've changed their lives, and you have changed your too. sometimes, it may not look that good for you but the people whom you've done it for.. as you'll see them, you'll just say to yourself that: "WHAT I'VE DONE, IS ALL WORTH IT".




On my personal life. :)

"empty hearts" --- poem. :) FIGHT FOR HUMAN & CHILDREN RIGHTS! :)

EVERY NIGHT, WISHING IT WAS A DREAM

EVERY SHOT OF TEQUILLA IS ANOTHER BOY FOR THE SCENE

DRINKING AND PARTYING ALL NIGHT LONG

THAT'S MY LIFE, WHEN HE LEFT ME, SHOWING I COULD STAND UP ON MY OWN

CRYING MAKES ME FEEL BUMMED

SMILING MAKES ME A TOTAL FOOL

I CANNOT SEE WHATS INSIDE OF ME

NEITHER DO THE PERSON I WANTED TO BE

THESE SMOKES, LIQUORS AND BARS

AND ALL OF MY BOYS DRIVING THOSE FANCY CARS

HOW PEOPLE THINK I'M PERFECT

BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVERY MAN TREAT ME WITH NO RESPECT

THIS REFLECTION OF MY REALITY

ASKING MYSELF, "HOW THIS BECAME MY DESTINY?"

ALL OF THE MONEY THEY THINK I OWE

THEY'RE ALL FROM MY CLIENTS WHO ARE SKING FOR SOME SHOW

I AM A WOMAN TOO YOUNG TO BE

THE GIRL WHO BECAME STUCK IN HER REALITY

THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE AND WOMAN WHO BECAME WHAT THEY ARE

LOOKING AND JUDGING US BECAUSE WE'RE JUST THE GIRLS WITH DEEP SCARS

DON'T THINK ILL OF US BECAUSE WE NEVER DID WANT THIS

WE DO WISH WE COULD STUDY AND LIVE LIFE LIKE WE WANT IT

WE DO HATE CREEPING THROUGH NIGHTS FOR A PLACE TO STAY IN, IN MOTELS AND OTHER HOUSES

EATING FANCY BUT OUR DIGNITY IS ALL WASTED

DANCING IN BARS AND SNIFFING OFF SOME DRUGS

SLEEPING WITH EVERY OTHER GUY, DRIVING MILES AND MILES IN HIS BILLION DOLLAR CAR

POLICE SEARCHING FOR SOME HOES

THOUGHT THEY WOULD PUT YOU IN PRISON

BUT THEY JUST WANT YOU FOR OTHER REASONS

IS THIS MY FAULT TO BE LESS FORTUNATE NAD BLINDED

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGHT IT

THOUGHTS OF THOSE ANGELS WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE

BUT I JUST HAVE TO ABORT THEM THAN  TO EXPERIENCE THIS LIFE

HOW WE WANTED TO HAVE AND HOLD

SOMEONE TO CHERISH AND CALL OUR OWN

SOMETIMES WE DO FEEL THOSE LITTLE AFFECTION

EVERYTIME WE'RE IN BED, PLEASING EVERY MEN IN THEIR NEED OF SATISFACTION

NOW I AM ENDING THIS POEM FOR A MESSAGE TO SHARE

DON'T USE NOR JUDGE US FOR WHAT WE ONLY KNOW

INSTEAD, HELP US AND PLEASE GIVE US HOPE

WE WANT TO CHANGE FOR A BETTER FUTURE

NOT TO BE STUCK HERE IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE

DON'T MAKE FUN OF US WHEN WE'RE IN OUR POST

APPROACH US, CAUSE WE FORGOT WHAT OUR HEARTS ONCE TOLD,

"NEVER WASTE YOUR DIGNITY FOW A FEW AMOUNT OF MONEY, CARE FOR YOURSELF

AND YOUR FUTURE FAMILY"

------ "EMPTY HEARTS"

---------- BY: NICOLE SANCHEZ

*say no to child abuse and prostitution! fight for the 

rights of women and children! :)

the ugly book -- on what people see is not what they usually get. :)

How badly others might see or judge you, you would always be that same person whom your friends and family loves. I’ve heard a lot of dramatic and life changing stories that had also changed my deep point of view in my maturity and life.

It seemed like I’ve been through a thousand years of traveling and a million times of thoughts. Individuals have their own stories to tell, advices to follow and experiences to remember but with those stories, advices and experiences I’ve learned.

As people might call me “miss all-around in the society” because of my over to the top level of friendliness, my sweet charm to get people close to me and my loving affection that people would find that comfort in me. I’m an open minded person and I have a lot to share.

I am an 18 year old student and believe me what i’ve been through is a lot more than anyone could experience in their 18 years of lives. They might always think that i’m self loving, obsessed with beauty and a social climber but the people who knows me a lot have their own stories to tell. It might make me cry because of their personality descriptions and the things and i didn’t expect that in general they would think of me.

They would always say that I’m a happy-go-lucky person but when you would talk to me i am very sensible and people usually don’t expect that from me.  I am spoiled yet disciplined, I do have a lot of fun. I do drink , I do socialize and i do party a lot but I do study hard for my lessons and do well as a well-rounded student. I am bad but religious and I am free but  with limits.

I am what I am and people may see me differently but as you would read this, i am like pleading but I am informing you that don’t judge by a book by its cover, raed it and it might help you learn a lot.   



we often think of others to be influential in a bad way but look deeper. :) they might change you for the good!

a note for: my intruders :)