Piece of my confession:

I still think of it everyday. The thoughts of every memory. How I wish that I'm still standing in my past. When you seem to pretend like you've already moved on and how you smile, or even laugh at every joke but you still think of one thing. Sometimes, I do wish that I'm not standing in my present and I'm just too scared of my future. How love changed us. How it did change me. How I've got hurt and how hurting made me the person that I am. I think of it as a blessing and as a curse in everyday life. This my piece of confession.

Everybody do know me as a woman with great pride, a big ball of love, selfless with all my heart and a good friend to others. How everybody could thought that life for me is so perfect but unfortunately it's not. I do fail in one thing and that is finding the perfect love.  This is my piece of confession about love, thoughts and that same guy I've been thinking about that became a big part of my past. I do treasure a lot of things in life and this one for me is worth the love.

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A breezy Wednesday morning, I've been chatting with my friend Khaye. Laughing online and sharing stories. What Khaye and I have been through in life together as friends is so close and we treat each other as sisters. A lot of my friends do look up to me. As a friend, a sister, a born to be guidance and a mother-like image because of all these characteristics I treat them all so well.  I did not enroll for this semester due to severe lack of personal discipline to partying and having fun. And this I confess that I do live in everyday partying and having fun when I was in my past days. Because of the fact that I am not enrolled for this semester. They invited me to visit at Lyceum. Yes, Lyceum! I may be over acting at this point of my story but it was my stress reliever, piece of comfort ground and sanctuary. Studying and being in my college partying days being there changed my life for the better and for the worse things in my life. It past me through days of adventures and point of different perspectives. That, I never thought that could give me those of everyday delightful treat of excitement and it made me revealed the quote: " expect the unexpected".

So heading to Lyceum I rode the FX from Casimiro to Lawton. At the road, the FX river is tuning in at a radio FM station. The DJ has a phone caller and the topic was about the callers lovelife and how the DJ could help her in her problem. The phone caller asked: "DJ, how could you help me move on? Any advice? Cause even if the thoughts of my ex bf was gone and even all communications were not possible I do come back at the same feelings I did have for him. Please help me...". Then, I paused and think about what the caller wanted. It was all about moving on and I seem to connect with her. I'm think and thinking and thinking. How? Why? and what if? these were the words taht came through my mind in connection of the caller. Then, the DJ answered the caller with a quote, that I would simply never forget. He said: " There is no such thing as moving on, only easing ones pain". I did agree at the first thing that I've heard it. And said to myself: "Maybe that's why. And what if I've thought of that from the start. and how can I achieve this?"

Then, I arrived at my destination the next thing the DJ finished his morning slot and gave the caller the advice she needed. Still, I'm thinking of what the DJ said. Then, sudden flash backs came through my mind as if seeing and experiencing everything all over again. I paused and said to myself: "Stop! please stop hurting yourself...". We can't stop the hurting but we can change it to something better. It made me face fear and how I can't think of anything.

I still think of him even after 6 boyfriends that I can't seem to find a stable relationship and the taste of excitement I used to feel and have when I'm with him. A year and months counting, I just kept asking myself "Why?". Maybe that's how love works. You fell in love with a person because that person makes you feel complete without any doubt. Just pure happiness, care and security.How every waking moment makes you laugh and in every dream when you are asleep it makes you smile. Now every moment of waking up in the morning. I couldn't feel that happiness anymore. Taking deep breaths and saying: "Here we go again".

We do choose to move on but we do fear of it. We fear of  taking the risk of loving, we just chose to embrace those memories of our past. That even though how hard the hurting is, we seem to cherish it because of the happiness we've experienced within that memory. That's how I've viewed moving on and others may connect with me too.

I remembered my last day at LPU, a friend once told me "3 months is to 3 years?". Yes, our relationship had lasted less than 3 months but I had fun. I felt complete and I do thank him for that. I was bitter and it felt like loosing my mind. How after what happened changed me a lot. That everyday made me felt so numb of the pain and that crying was a normal thing for me. But I do believe that pain had made me stronger and what I've lost had uplifted me into who and what I am.

How the thought of him leaving me was so hard but I guess we just have to face the truth. That leaving what you've had will make you stronger, being in a new road makes you better. I just want you to know that I was so glad that you chose the right thing for your future. I want to congratulate you for that. Even if I kept on wishing that we could still live on what we had in the past. I remembered the song he dedicated for me, it was "You've made me stronger". In connection with the title song, it was about moving on and how the guy changed her life. That even without him, she still care for him and she thanked him for every good memory.

I've never understood how love works but the only thing i can understand is that I'm enjoying it, specially with him. I think I did my part even though I know that he don't want me anymore that while doing this blog. I don't know if he would still hate me or keep on hating me for this.

                                "Everyday, living in the past w/ my present was all things 

                                                        I just kept on holding on."